[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Ooh, I'm starving.
Where's Mom?
I don't know.
Go out and play.
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
You have food there. I know it.
No, I don't. Yes, you do.
Tang residue.
You glutton.
Ah, another great morning.
Didn't sleep at all last night
with Steve's stupid car alarm going off.
Off course, then that wakes up your mother,
and I got to talk to her.
You almost lost your daddy last night, kids.
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Finished off the Tang on me again, eh?
Well,
your dad still has a few tricks left
in his tired old body.
Tang wipe.
Good morning, everyone.
Boy, am I stuffed.
You know, you've just got to try
that slam dunk breakfast at Kippy's.
Pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs.
I finally had to say stop, I can't eat anymore.
Peg, what do you do
with all the money I give you for food?
I just told you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Peg, you want to get that?
It's probably the homeless
on their "It Could Be Worse" tour.
Hi. I just stopped by to apologize
if Steve's car alarm kept you up last night.
He's out of town,
and it's his first night away from his new Mercedes,
so he set his alarm on ultra-sensitive.
The slightest touch, and it goes off all night.
Does it have a brother?
Look, I'm sorry, but you can't blame him.
It's a magnificent piece of machinery.
So how does it drive?
How should I know? He won't let me near it.
Well, consider yourself lucky.
The thing you can't touch is in the garage.
Mine is in the bedroom.
Mom, Bud found a corn flake
between the refrigerator and the sink,
and he won't share.
Aw, this is ridiculous.
Come on, kids,
this may be against everything I believe in,
but I'm taking you out to breakfast.
Oh! All right!
Now, kids, when we get to the restaurant,
something strange will happen.
A woman will bring you food.
Now, uh...
don't be scared.
She's called a waitress.
That's just God's alternative to mommies.
Boy, squabbling over a meal--
thank God, Steve's a liberated man
and cooks for me.
Why don't you cook for the family, Al?
Mom, no! Please!
Do you remember last summer?
Tortilla night?
And the resulting plumbing problem?
And I thought you loved us.
Come on, Dad.
I don't know why those tortillas exploded like that.
You know, sometimes I get so mad
I could just kill that man.
I like to think that I am.
I meant Steve.
Peggy, when Al got his new car, did he let you drive it?
A few times.
Once, he had no brakes,
and someone had to take it to the mechanic.
Listen, Peggy, can I borrow your car
to go to the supermarket?
My car doesn't go there.
What's wrong with your car?
It's in the shop.
Just take his car.
It's your car too.
Look, don't let him start thinking
he can have things of his own.
It's the road to ruin.
You know, it's taken me 16 years,
but I am proud to say that Al finally has nothing.
Just go for a ride in your Mercedes, Marce.
I don't know.
I'd have to change the seat and the mirrors.
It took him weeks to set them just right.
What do you care what he wants?
Look, Al doesn't like me blowing smoke in his eggs.
What am I supposed to do? Stop smoking?
You're right.
Of course.
I'm taking his car for a drive.
You know what else I'm going to do?
Change all the preset stations on his radio.
He's an idiot. It is my car too.
You know what else I'm going to do?
I'm gonna go in reverse,
then shift into drive
without coming to a complete stop.
Oh, man!
Ahh.
Well, kids, that was food.
Could you get used to it?
Oh, Dad...
It was cooked.
Yeah, pancakes are better like that, son.
Hey, Mom,
tomorrow, could you make us some waffles?
[GIGGLES]
No.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
By the way, kids,
any chance of you cleaning your rooms today?
[BOTH GIGGLE]
No. No.
Oh, hi, Marce. How did the Mercedes drive?
You drove Steve's Mercedes?
What did you hit?
You know, Al, this may surprise you,
but women today are race car drivers,
pilots, astronauts, anything we want to be.
We're just as good as men.
What did you hit?
A fire hydrant.
What am I going to do?
Gee, I don't know.
You never should have driven his car.
Steve is gonna kill me.
I've tried every body shop in town,
and they can't fix it till next week.
Why bother?
I'll just tell Steve the truth.
He'll be so happy I wasn't hurt,
he'll throw his arms around me and forgive me.
I'm going home right now
so I can be there first thing to tell Steve
when he walks in the door.
Would you like to hear what happened to me
in the seventh grade?
Go home.
[CAR PULLING UP]
That's him.
Hide me. I'll pay you.
He's getting out.
He's paying.
Now he's going into the house-- No, no, no.
It's the garage.
The car's in there!
He'll never see the dent. It's too dark.
STEVE: Aah!
Marcie!
She's in here, Steve!
Marcie!
Oh, Steve, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You moved my seat.
Uh, yes, I did.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, Steve, I missed you so much.
Let's never go home.
No, Marcie, let's not gloss over this.
You've done a terrible thing.
It took me weeks to get that seat the way I like it,
It took me almost as long as it took
to properly adjust the mirrors
and set my radio stations.
How long will it take you to adjust
the fire hydrant-shaped hole she put in the passenger side?
Whoops, I spoiled Marcie's surprise.
Al, did you have to tell him?
You betcha.
Oh, it'll be okay.
It's just a dent.
[STEVE SOBBING]
What am I worried about?
My Mercedes! My baby!
Oh, he'll be fine.
See, whenever Steve goes away overnight,
he comes home consumed with passion,
so all I have to do is pretend that I am too.
He'll forget about that car,
and we won't make it of the bedroom until Monday.
Gee, you know,
the only time Al and I ever spent
a weekend in the bedroom
is when we were hiding from the kids
because we forgot it was Christmas.
Steve?
Pumpkin?
I'm going to be straightforward with you.
I drove your car.
Let's go to bed.
You're right.
I'll go home first,
I'll light the candles,
put on my nightie,
and...
brace myself.
Hey, let's stop in the garage.
You know, I haven't seen a good wreck
since I backed Al's car over our mailbox.
I mean, since Kelly did that.
My car.
She touched it.
Now it doesn't even feel like it's mine anymore.
Yeah, I know, I feel the same way
about several parts of my body.
What am I saying?
The important thing is Marcie's okay.
I mean, it's just a car, right?
PEG: Whoa-ho-ho!
It cracked like an egg!
You see, Al,
There was no screaming
over at Steve and Marcie's last night.
But I do the smallest thing, and you yell at me for months.
No smoked toast?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, Steve forgave me.
He's the most wonderful man in the world.
Why can't you be more like Steve?
And Steve's impotent.
My God.
Al, you are like Steve.
Oh, Marcie. It's only one night.
Give it a reasonable period of time.
You know, back in '74,
I thought Al had that problem.
but by '79, it cleared up fine.
But Steve is Mr. Ever-ready.
And we tried six times last night.
Six times in one night?
Did you hear that, Al?
Hey, give me some credit.
I can fail six times too.
But Steve never failed before.
Let's get to the bottom of this.
The first time you tried, was the light on?
Yes.
There you go-- he saw you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
If that's Steve,
Please don't tell him you know about his problem.
Hey, buddy. What's up?
Oops, sorry.
I hope we didn't keep you up last night.
Oh, dear, what's that in your pocket?
My car keys.
What's the matter?
Ah, she's probably overcome by the, uh...
six times we did it last night.
[MARCY SOBBING] Oh, no...
Yeah, Steve, you're a real stallion.
What say we go down to the ice cream shop
and get a, uh... softie.
I can't believe you told them.
I'm sorry.
It's just that you were once a mighty oak,
and now--
A hanging vine.
Uh, excuse me.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
This is a temporary thing
due to overwork, stress, or, uh... over use.
I'm not worried at all.
I'm going to go out, pump some iron,
toss a football,
let the girls see what they can't have.
I mean, because I'm married.
Not because I can't.
Because I can.
He can't, you know.
Peggy, what can I do
to make him the sexual beast he was?
How would I know?
There must be somebody I can talk to.
Ahem.
Anybody.
Ahem.
Oh, God, no.
Well, he has been there.
Peggy, would you excuse us?
I'm about to humiliate myself,
and I would prefer no witnesses.
Sure, Marcie, I understand.
And you're doing the right thing.
If you want to know about a hanging vine,
come to a withered birch.
Take it away, Al.
Well, Marcie, what can I do for you?
I need to know how to turn a man on.
Well, I'm not a plastic surgeon,
but I'll do what I can.
See, Marcie, you touched Steve's car.
Now, what did Steve ask you not to do?
Touch his car.
What did you do?
Touched his car.
I can't hear you.
I touched his car. So what?
Well... So you disobeyed a man,
which means you weren't doing your job as a woman.
See, the thing is...
women don't understand
that men don't really need them.
See, if you want to talk to someone,
you talk to the guys.
If you want to have some fun, you go with the guys.
You want sex, you...
reminisce with the guys.
Now let's get back to women.
What are they for?
The two "C"s.
Cooking.
Kitchen.
Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed
when you walk.
Good day, Marcie.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Go on.
Very well.
So we've established that we don't need you.
Now...
let's ask ourselves
What the heck do we keep you around for?
It's because we're optimists.
We believe that you can change.
The world renowned social scientist Mr. Hugh Hefner
has made great strides in that area.
Get to it, Java Man.
Very well.
Marcie, your problem is you're not servile enough.
Young lady, if you want to save your marriage,
you're going to have to learn to compromise a little.
Put down that briefcase,
pick up a dishrag, and be a woman.
Al, I can only say this.
There may be something alive
with fewer brain cells than you,
but whatever it is, wherever it is,
I'm sure its name is "Bundy".
You should be on all fours,
pulling a wagon full of Borax across the desert.
You are compost.
You are phlegm.
You are a true pork product.
You going to take my advice?
Yes.
Thank you, Al, for your time and help.
Pig.
Feel good?
Mm, yes.
But that's really not necessary.
No. I want to.
It's just that I feel uncomfortable
having you do that.
Want me to stop?
No.
Great.
The potatoes are a little bland.
Where's the salt?
Didn't I bring it up on one of my six trips?
No, but I... guess I don't really...
need it.
Never mind. I'll get it.
No trouble at all.
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING UP STAIRS]
Mm!
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Thanks, dear. You're a good wife.
Oh, thank you, darling.
What would you like to do now?
Want to talk?
Sure.
I had the most interesting day at work on Friday.
I vacuumed today.
Really? What else did you do?
Well, I took a toothbrush
to the grout and the bathroom tile
and scrubbed out all the stains.
It was kind of therapeutic
after relining your blazers.
Mm.
Oh, Marcie, could you turn up the heat?
Just one degree.
Sure. No trouble at all.
And if you're still cold,
I could strap you to the radiator spread-eagle.
Comfy?
Eh.
What would you like for dinner tomorrow?
Oh, I don't know. Something simple.
How about beef Wellington and baked Alaska?
On a work night?
I mean, I guess I could get up early,
and go to the market before work,
and then come home at lunch and grind the goose liver,
separate the eggs, and make the pastry dough.
I should be able to have it on the table by 8:00.
I don't like to eat that late.
Then I just won't sleep.
You sure it's no trouble?
No.
I love to cook.
Oh, Marcie.
Mm.
And I love to clean.
Oh, Marcie.
And I'll never touch your car again.
Oh, Marcie!
Mm.
Oh, Steve.
Oh, Steve!
And tonight she's making me
beef Wellington and baked Alaska.
Boy, I wish I had a wife.
Steve, I'm having some problems with the baked Alaska.
I got plain vanilla ice cream instead of French vanilla.
That's okay.
Never mind. I'll get it.
It's just that my car is still in the shop.
Can I use your--
Never mind. I'll walk.
A brisk four-mile jaunt should do me good.
Oh, did I mention I wanted whipped cream?
Oh, well. I'll send her back out.
Al, I don't know how I can ever thank you.
This impotence scheme of yours
has given me a wife I never even dreamed existed.
I got to tell you, though, it was rough faking failure.
But thanks for the advice.
Trying to figure out
why Bruce Willis is a star really helped.
I got plenty of them.
Did you do the salt bit? Yup.
The thermostat?
One degree.
Nice twist.
How long do you think I can play this thing out?
Until you get the car fixed.
When are you going to take it in?
Couple of weeks.
Hell, maybe not for a couple months.
After all, the dent's not even on the driver's side.
[***]